Paint it Black…

Disclaimer 1: This post has been four years in the making and so it might seem a little “strong”. Also this is strictly from my mind and not that of the hubs…

Disclaimer 2: If you are not up to reading a really long post, stop now!

I can’t figure out what I struggle with more-the lack of patience? or bitterness? -which leads me to believe I’m suffering from equal unhealthy doses of both. My mind is a jumble of what-ifs?, whens?, and why-nots? every day now a new “failure” arises and I add it to my black heart. I’m becoming jaded, and I wish I could say it was the beautiful green stone with which so many admire. Having once been an upbeat person, I fail to see the bright side of life anymore and am always wondering why the grass is always greener on someone else’s lawn. {Did I use enough cliché’s there?}
In my “failures”, I strictly mean everything outside of my control. I won’t diminish myself any further by listing the pointedly pathetic list of my failures but will expand on one that tugs at me often for you curious readers out there. Let it be known that I’m not asking for the “poor me pity”. I’m simply finding solace in my writing and knowing that just maybe someone out there can sympathize with me. I’d also like to ask that you refrain from leaving negative comments, as this is strictly a personal issue I am dealing with.

Disclaimer 3: If you are not up to reading a potentially heart wrenching side of my life then DO NOT READ FURTHER!

It has been 4 years, 2 months, and 9 days since we decided to start a family. That is 1531 days from tomorrow. {I’m really not counting; I looked it up on GOOGLE so that I could add some interesting facts to my thoughts-blame it on my eleventh grade English teacher} On average 216,000 babies are born a day, worldwide! That means that in my span of heartbreak, utter disappointment, constant anguish, lack of patience and complete bitterness in the last four years over 330,696,000 babies have been born and not one of those was to me. Almost two years ago, I sought fertility help. I was given an aid and told I had six months or there was nothing they could do. Six months came and went. I waited for over a year and a half before seeking further help. After constant reassurance and talk of the best doctor in Boise, I made an appointment. I went and was told no for the second time. I did not even make it to my car before I was huddled over in tears. I sat in my car in that parking lot for what seemed like hours, sobbing and sobbing through the phone to my husband. Nothing said or done could make me feel better, because this doctor was our last hope for a long while. You see even adoption agencies have told us we aren’t good candidates due to monetary needs, and we’ve also never felt like it was the “right time” whenever we’ve attended meetings {it’s equivalent to the feeling you get when you are not praying for the right things}. Months went by and then my brother came home from his mission. Things that he said {unknowingly to him that they would affect me in such a way} helped me come to terms and I was able to finally let it go. I decided to hurl all of my pain and anguish out of my life. I prayed for the Lord to take it away from me and help me move on. For months, I had. I was healed. I was okay. But today, not so much-this is due in part to the fact that I do not want to have to wait until my eternity starts before I can enjoy the bliss of motherhood and also because I am just plain ready.

Now, I am resigned to praying nightly for this trial to be taken away from me. I find that if I do not do this, I hurt, I obsess, and I grow bitter. This is possibly my life’s greatest test and I am not passing. I fail to see the silver lining. I fail to see the hope. I’m living and existing on blind faith now. I am putting my trust into the Lord. Let me just say for those who might be struggling, it helps, but it does not take it all away. I struggle each and everyday. I mix this with daily issues that arise in a normal life and I have all but come a nut case suffering from severe stress anxiety.

I am simply too bitter and impatient these days and thus have painted my heart black.