Fears

After being on different pages for the greater part of five years and starting and stopping the adoption process countless times because it just didn't “feel right”, we have begun again. This time we have gone forward with full steam ahead.

I wish I could say this process is a process of joy and hope and maybe even happiness, in most cases it is, but in mine I feel lost, stressed, scared, and alone. It's really hard to turn to others for advice and comfort in such a thing because much like infertility, unless they've been there they really can't understand the trials and emotions that come with it, just as I can't begin to understand what it feels like to be pregnant and give birth to a child. I've been very secretive about the whole thing because unfortunately due to the nature of the process, sometimes words that are intended for comfort come across as trite.

I've decided that because this process could be a very short one or indeed a very long one, that I might need to embrace the community of followers I have, as well as share my stories, thoughts, and fears for others out there who may be embarking upon this process.

So today...

My fears...

I fear that this is it and if we are turned down or not selected by a birth mother, I may never understand what it means to be a mother.
I fear that a process that I want to go quickly may take years.
I fear that we waited to long to begin this process.
I fear that we won't ask the right questions or have the right answers.
I fear that our baby if and when we receive one won't bond with us.
I fear about the how's of telling your child he or she is adopted.
I fear that our families and friends might not connect with the child.
I fear that my “house” isn't good enough.
I fear that I don't make enough money.
I fear that I will be judged because I can't afford to stay home with my child.
I fear that I may not have all of my priorities straight and may be in for an awakening the day our child arrives.
I fear we won't be able to pay for the process.
I fear that if this doesn't work, I will give up all hope.

There is hope however, because I know this is right! I'm coping with these fears, because I feel without a doubt in my mind that this is the next step that Heavenly Father has intended for us. I pray each and every minute of the day, that if this be his will, that he might also bless us with the opportunity of having a child placed with us.

I hope to be marketable by June at the latest and then we wait! I ask all of you who are willing, please pray on our behalf. With your friendships, I hope to find strength and control of my emotions. I hope to find peace and preparation. Mostly I hope to be a help and inspiration to others who are facing the same thing I am and that they too may find the hope and faith that is necessary to forget the pain of infertility.