Mindset

Today, as I sat in church and listened to the lovely people in my ward bear their testimonies as my heart was simultaneously filled, I glanced over and saw a little baby girl.  This little girl was all smiles for me and I felt at peace that we would be blessed with a child to raise and love someday.  Because I have been counseled that an adoption will be a very spiritual experience, I tried to tune into that very spirit today.  I asked over and over again about time.  I pondered the "nows", the "laters", and the "nevers".  Nothing felt right.  Blocked by the spirit, I realized two very fundamental things.  One, there is no understanding of time for me because one thing I really need to learn is patience.  Heavenly Father knows this, and let's be honest, how would I grow from this challenge in life if it was easy and happened exactly as I desired.  I keep forgetting the Lord knows what he is doing and that there is meaning in all things.  Secondly, I learned that my spirit is easily blocked.  My mindset lately has been very scattered.  Some days I'm sad, others angry.  I feel disappointment, I feel frustration, I feel jealousy, I feel happiness, I feel joy, I feel fear and I feel love.  All of these emotions can seriously alter my mindset.  Because of this, I'm pushing the spirit away.
I'm realizing that time doesn't matter because I understand and know in my heart that I will be a mom.  I'm trying to tell myself to slow down and enjoy the process.  I know I have so much to learn and I have so much to gain from this.  I truly wish I had friends going through similar things because it would be such a strength to me.
For now, I'm grateful for the chance to see life from different views.  Had I never been faced with an infertility issue, I may never have found such peace and joy in the Plan of Salvation and the pure peace the spirit can give to me.  I look forward to the hard months.  I look forward to the waiting periods.  I look forward to the meet and greets.  I look forward to having a child placed in my arms, and I look forward to, believe it or not, doing this all over again when we long to build our family again.