Resolve

Today was a hard day.  I wavered in my resolve to adopt.  I felt the pain of my infertility all to real today.  It was everywhere, surrounding me in it's ropes.  I longed to understand and feel the way my body would change for my growing child.  I longed to "know" a child was coming to us in a certain time period.  I longed to be a mom today and not when it's right.  I prayed and prayed for the swift comfort of my soul.  It came, washing over me like a warm summer rain, wiping away my fears and insecurities.  From the time I was old enough to understand what being a mother was, I wanted that.  I had no fears that it would not come to me and expected that it would be easy to just become pregnant.  Boy was I wrong.  Now my biggest fears are can I be patient enough?  Is there a birth mother out there for us?  Is anyone looking at us?  Is it time to forward our information onto the state and other local agencies?  I do not know where my heart and head are, all I know is I'm giving everything I have over to the Lord in order to find some piece of mind.